Lets Keep It Real: Pregnancy Anxiety and Depression
Amidst the fun stuff….the beauty tips and tricks, my favorite products Holly’s pending arrival…..there’s something else I feel compelled to write about that I have experienced during these past 8 months. Many might shy away from talking about this and historically speaking, I would have likely been one of them. It’s much easier to tuck those unpleasant life moments, thoughts, feelings and worries into a safe, private place and chalk it all up to a bad day/week/month. However, I feel compelled to discuss my experience because it was truly an eye-opening experience that, with any luck, will make even 1 reader feel comforted to read and know they are not alone. And yes, you can definitely google “pregnancy anxiety and depression” and read an array of articles to find that camaraderie, but I’ll offer it here as a supporting document as well.
My first trimester was hardly blissful, but I also don’t feel it was unbearable either. I’ve had friends who threw up their entire first pregnancy, couldn’t get out of bed, epic constipation or stomach aches, body soreness, went to work nauseated and exited meetings to puke in a trash can, had dizzy spells, and felt downright narcoleptic at times. I had a couple of these, but on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain I’ve ever felt, I never left the 3-4 zone of misery. I consider myself to have been blessed.
Like clockwork, when the second trimester arrived my nausea and exhaustion dissipated seemingly overnight, and I felt like a new woman. I trotted into Target and got myself some new expanding belly clothes, purchased that body pillow that didn’t stand a chance in our bed for longer than a week, and prepared myself for the honeymoon period! For about 3-4 weeks, it truly felt like I was made for this. I ate like a champ, chicken returned from being the grossest thing I had ever seen or smelt to an edible dinner option again, I slept well, I made plans with friends and took trips with Charlie.
Then one day, it all changed. I came home from work after a stressful day and a miserably long commute, and just sobbed in the entryway as my work bag hit the floor. I felt empty. I felt lost. I felt confused. I felt tired. I felt hopeless. Charlie came around the corner from the living room into the hall and sprung into action. “What happened Babe?! Are you okay? What’s wrong??” The problem was, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Nothing happened…..no, I wasn’t okay to be honest, but I had no idea why and couldn’t articulate my sadness. After about an hour of sobbing, Charlie holding me and the demise of an entire roll of toilet paper (we really need to remember to put kleenex on the grocery list during hormonal times, am I right?), I told him I just plain felt depressed and admitted to him that although he was just seeing it today, it had been slowly building. I wondered what was wrong with me and felt robbed of the “honeymoon phase” I had been promised. Wasn’t I supposed to be scarfing brownies, looking impossibly perfect with a pregnancy glow and perhaps dancing in a field of flowers in a long white eyelet bohemian frock? Why was I so miserable? I was angry, sad, and once I faced the music…..yeah, the D word. I was depressed.
When I sat down and thought about it–dug into what was really hurting and happening inside of my head–it all came down to one thing: Everything was changing and out of my control. I had so many thoughts flying around in my head from my own life changes and how I would become this other figure I knew nothing about (me? a Mom?) to seriously doubting that I was ready for the role I was about to take on, to what kind of wife I would become with an additional responsibility, to my girlfriends and how I would possibly make time for them in a social setting, with all I would have on my plate. Surely they’d all abandon me–realize I wasn’t cut out for motherhood, see my flaws and wish me well. My insecurities went wild–I couldn’t compartmentalize my fears or rationalize the truly outlandish thoughts I was having. I felt like I was spinning out of control and all I had to hang on to was my fear. I couldn’t stop crying. I took a day off work on a random Tuesday and couldn’t get out of bed. These feelings went on for weeks. Some days were better than others, but on certain days it felt like my world was falling apart. All along, my guilt was crippling me because here I am, 25+ weeks along, blessed to be carrying my baby girl, but also worried that I was scarring her with my stress and bad thoughts and henceforth, ruining her life before it had even begun.
It was then that I admitted to myself that I didn’t need to nor should I attempt to go it alone, anymore. I emailed my doctor and told her I was struggling with anxiousness and what I felt certain was depression, and needed help. I talked to Charlie candidly and told him my fears. I called my Mom–a woman who rarely worries about anything and who’s motto is constantly “will this matter in 10 years?! If not, who cares!”–and opened up to her about how I was feeling, and how much support I needed. I asked my sister for advice and while she hadn’t been through was I was experiencing during any of her 3 pregnancies, she listened, understood, and helped me break apart my fears one piece at a time.
With a therapist, a supportive doctor who checked in on me weekly, a partner at home who promised and delivered unconditional, non-judgmental love everyday, family who let me lean on them, and friends who assured me it would eventually pass and reminded me of how scary hormones can be, I got through to the other side. But what I hope to convey is that those weeks of feeling like I was spiraling were some of the scariest of my life thus far. I am sure nothing will hold a candle to the fear I will experience in motherhood, and the worries that will come everyday. But, from where I sit, with my baby still safely inside, this was an alarming, eye-opening experience that I hope I have shared in a way that comforts even 1 expectant mom feeling similarly OR anyone sorting through anxious feelings or depression.
You are not alone.
Hormones and feelings in general are frighteningly powerful and there is no award for being the person that powered through but didn’t ask for help. Just like the Mom who pulls her iPad out at a restaurant for her child to buy herself 20 more adult moments with her girlfriend, to the lady who never wanted to take any medicine and just picked up her anxiety prescription….we must use our resources and feel confident we did what was best for our life in that moment. No 2 people are the same and no fears, worries, spells of sadness or pains will ache the same, which means we handle them all differently, with respect for all the different options of how to cope. Be good to yourself and listen to your gut — no one knows you, like you do — but be open to healing if you are struggling. You deserve happiness.
I welcome all questions or comments from any of you, wish you all love and hope for healthy minds and hearts.
Val
If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety or depression and need help, please do not stay silent. Call your doctor, a trusted family member or friend, or reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline who can provide resources to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
17 Comments
Melissa Landazuri
I am SO sorry you had to experience this. Hormones are a b**ch! But thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your story. Though I’ve never experienced pregnancy (I’m the one whose mother had to take medication during her pregnancy with me, thus leaving me infertile), you just described me when talking about the “shame” of having to turn in my first prescription for antidepressants. I was absolutely humiliated until someone told me, “Look, Melissa, they don’t make those little white pills just for you. Millions of people have your same issues.”
I’ve had hormonal issues for forever — that much is true. But I was also sexually assaulted by someone in a position of authority starting when I was just about to turn 27. I eventually convinced myself that I was indeed a dirty, vile person, whom nobody could possibly want to be around. It took about a decade of depressive episodes, hospitalizations, and panic attacks, and having to stop working for one single doctor to tell me (last year), “Why are you a dirty person? You can’t come up with a good answer, can you? That’s because one doesn’t exist.”
Fast forward to now. I’ve learned a LOT in the past year. I’ve learned no one’s depression is silly (not even mine), you cannot just “get over it,” you are NOT crazy, you WILL return to your normal, and these episodes don’t last forever.
Thank you for sharing your story, Val, and thank you for letting me share mine. Go Dodgers! Not Giants! Hehe…
Sarah Srader
Thank you for sharing your story. I would imagine it was scary to do so. You are brave for acknowledging your depression and then getting support.
I wish you all the best with your daughter’s upcoming arrival! It’s a pretty wild ride, but what big things aren’t? 😉
Myka
Thanks for writing so openly about this. I have an 8-week old girl. I waited so long to have a baby. Pregnancy had its bumps, but I got through it. My delivery went surprisingly well. Then my baby ended up having severe reflux. Our lives consist of keeping our baby from screaming all day. She screams in pain after eating. I can’t easily take her out of the house like other moms. I have very few moments where I can enjoy her. She barely sleeps. I barely sleep. She’s on meds and will ultimately grow out of it, but I feel like we’ve both been robbed of a time we’ll never get back. I’ve been holding up surprisingly well, but not knowing how long this will go on is really haunting me. Your post was a great reminder that nothing is gained from dealing with this alone. I have an OB appointment next week, and I’ll definitely talk about my options.
Olivia
Hi Val,
I follow both Chloe/Doogie and your @babybeautywithval account and am a huge fan. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and being so honest. I have a daughter who has struggled with mental health ever since she turned 10 and the hormones of adolescence came into play. She is now 18 and just started at Lewis and Clark after years of being in and out of traditional high school trying to get on top of her challenges (anxiety, depression, eating disorder, OCD, you name it and she has it). She is doing great now! And I cannot emphasize how important it is to keep the discussion open and to crush the stigma that accompanies mental health and well being in our society. I am all about being genuine and just talking about things. So thank you for using your platform to share your experience. Hormones are indeed and bear and I am so sorry that you have been dealing with so much in addition to the physical challenges of being pregnant. I have to tell you that if anyone is going to be a wonderful mother, it is you! Your big heart and love for the world comes across loud and clear on social media. It is natural to be terrified when you are pregnant with your first child. But you have got this one and you and Charlie are going to be the best parents!! I am looking forward to meeting Holly and will be cheering you on all the way!!
xo,
Olivia (@osriop)
Beth R.
Wow. What you have put into words sums up many of the emotions that first time and/or expectant mom’s experience but rarely verbalize. As a mental health nurse but also as a mom of 3, I applaud your honesty and openness. Too many times we are filled with such rosy expectations of motherhood that we don’t take the time to prepare for any other emotions to hit us. Thank you for sharing!
Kirsten
Hi Val (and Holly 😀) thanks for writing about this. I experienced extreme anxiety during my third trimester and was so happy I spoke up and told my dr about it. They helped me get back on anxiety medication right after my daughters birth and it helped tremendously. Many women experience this type of thing and I’m glad you put it out there for others to see in case it helps someone who’s going through it.
Lauren
Hi Val, thank you for being so open and honest! While I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m so glad to hear you have such a loving support system. In my experience, being a mom (pregnancy, birth, & after) has been the most anxiety ridden, eye-opening experience to learning a whole new level of who I am. I wouldn’t change it for the world! I’m proud of you for acknowledging those feelings & reaching out for help & I have no doubt you will help others with this post. Keep being awesome! Holly is a lucky lady to have such strong, loving parents!
Julie
Val I’m a strong believer that there is always purpose in our pain. And you sharing your painful experience that is purpose. So well written and so insightful. Thank you for your real truths. Ps love your baby girls name!
Luana
Lots of love and prayers coming your way. ❤️
Paula
Val you are a courageous woman for sharing your story. I’m positive someone will learn from your experience. Speaking about mental health and mental illness will one day be common. Someday we will all be accepted. #fightintheopen
Linden Proud
Thank you for being so honest and admitting that you struggled with this. I have never had children but have suffered with depression for a very long time and the more people who speak about it the more it is accepted by the rest of the world as something they need to understand and care about. I’m sure that you will be a great mum as you are to Chloe and Doogie. Lots of love.
Mom
I am more proud of you than ever! This will matter in 20 years to a woman who doesn’t have your team available to them! Enjoy the rest of this beautiful adventure and give yourself a kiss!
Kathy
It’s 4:30 am this Canadian morning. I’m trying to go back to sleep. And through the power of your words I’m transported to your side and offering you a virtual hug. Anything else I say will sound trite, I’m afraid. So thank you. I have a confidence that your baby girl in your arms will allay all your fears and anxieties. But as you’ve said and said so well, no 2 people are the same. Love. 😘💕
jodi
I’ve never been pregnant and never will be so I can’t relate on that level but you very eloquently wrote how I’ve felt at times throughout my life and I’m sure you will help many people with this post. wishing you the best
Tanya Johnson
Val…wow is all I can say. Your post was beautiful in the most womanly, scary, real way possible. My baby just turned 17. My eldest is almost 26. The journey you’ve started on, iS crazy and fun and scary and the most rewarding one ever. What you’ve just done though is prove to yourself and Charlie that you and he are strong enough to get through anything. If you were able to admit those fears openly to him, your family and hell, all of us strangers, girlfriend, theres nothing on this journey of motherhood and marriage you wont get through. And that, i hope, is something you truly realize through all of this. Theres something special, different and amazing about what you were able to just do here. And I truly admire you for it. Please, dont take that lightly. Being a strong woman means knowing when to admit we are weak and need some help too… you already are a great mom and will raise your beautiful daughter to be strong enough to stand on her own and strong enough to lean on others and gather strength from her tribe. I feel blessed to “know” you through Kitten Lady, through Chloe’s journey. Through this journey. Please know that although we all haven’t met you, we too are your tribe, we love you and your family and will continue to be your fans. Much love and admiration.
Tanya from Colorado
Anna
Thank you for sharing. You are strong and brave.
Linn Smith
Thank you. Thank you thank you. You are not alone and this made me feel the same. I am so glad you got the love and support you needed. Just reading and re reading this has helped me emensly